I don't know how to describe the feeling of how I feel today.. I just want to capture this day as a reminder to myself in the future. Today my emotions somehow exploded. Even now i still feel the emptyness. Somehow sorrow decided to stay for a while. Eventhough he told not to worry when he told me about what he's going through. As what i am, who doesnt worry. Deep inside I can feel as though he's trying to reach out for comfort.
Before he goes, he hugged me tight and shed a tear.. That time I just got up from my nap. Still a bit groggy. All i said was that i love him and ask him to be strong. I don't know if what i said is the right thing somehow i regret it now that i should have said something more. He let go and headed straight into the car. When he left, the moment I locked the front door. I somehow frozed. Looking into a quite and soundless house. I broke down when i lay upon my eyes onto his red mug. His red mug he always used every morning to drink his coffee. Tears kept pouring and i can't stop. I went to his room where he prays. The room fills with the sound of my crying. Deep inside my heart I felt that I hoped that it wouldnt be the last. I' m not that strong. No I am not. I'm not ready.
I calm myself by taking wuduk to pray for Zohor. My heart still doesnt change. Eventhough when I recite, i kept thinking about the hug. We are not the type that always shows or say we love to each other. But in that hug, it says, i feel it. When i finished my solat, I took a deep breath and put my hand together and started praying. Again, I broked down. I feel its the right time for me to cry. I cried to my Creator. Please give me the strenght to go through all this. Please give me patience to go through all this. Indeed I am very small and humbly asking and pray to You. Only You.
Now he's over there and I am here. Deep down, I am concerning that if he is truely ok. I don't want him to feel alone. Can he sleep? Is he eating well? Tomorrow. I have to help him to be strong going through all this. Tomorrow, I will do the best I can. I can.
